"This is Manhattan! You can get anything you want here."

Whoever said that is full of shit. I constantly crave five Midwestern-Southern staples that are damn near impossible to get here in NYC. Here's a list of food I want all the time.




1. St Louis Style Pizza
The cracker crust. The ooey-gooey cheese. The sweet sauce. I dream about Imo's Pizza constantly. Whenever I tell a native New Yorker about St Louis style pizza, they usually gag and tell me I'm crazy. Yes, I get it. I live in like, the world pizza capital. And sure, it's delicious. But part of me just misses those party-cut pizzas....You can buy half-baked Imo's pizzas online for $43 a pie or something. I might just have to choke up the money. That, or return to Springfield and stuff myself silly.





2. Authentic, Southern-Style Sweet Tea
Don't listen to that bullshit that Mickey D's sweet tea is "close" to authentic. That's complete and utter crap. I worked at an will-go-unmentioned restaurant last summer, and the manager was from Alabama. Anyways, he made AUTHENTIC sweet tea, which has an entire bag of sugar per two gallons and is brewed so long it looks black. This I can find nowhere in NYC. Nowhere, because Yankees think it is too sweet. Hello, Southern food is usually a vessel for people to eat A.) pure fat, like butter [e.g. biscuits] B.) salt [ham, grits, etc] or C.) sugar [aforementioned sweet tea!]. Now, I realize that I have yet to hit up the comfort food places in Harlem and Bed-Stuy, but still. I think about that sweet tea allll the time.


3. Crab Rangoon
Deep-fried, sweet cream cheese. Duck sauce. That's all I want. I ordered crab rangoon from this place around the way from me. It actually had crab in it. The horrors! It was sooo salty, too. I want my hick-style crab rangoon, stat. I hear there's a place on the Upper West Side that sells it as well but I bet it won't be like Canton Inn's.





4. Biscuits and Gravy
Serrrrriiiiously. You'd think I could get that shit here, since it's so simple. Nope. Not really. Not the fluffy, butter-soaked biscuits with salty, feel-the-fat on your tongue sausage white gravy that makes you feel like you should diet after the first bite. That is what I want. I will not settle til I get that. Oh man. I think I just gained 5 pounds blogging about this.




5. Velveeta Cheese Dip
My mom would kill me if she knew I was writing this. And I know I could very well make this dip myself, but I can't bring myself to buy Velveeta. Do you know what that shit is? It's not even REAL cheese, it's cheese PRODUCT. Anyways, I remember I used to go to this girl's house in middle school sometimes and her mom would always make it. And I'd eat soooo much of it, because, well, it was fatty, salty and my fresh fruit-and-veggie loving mother would never approve of it (much like the rest of this list). Damn, I gotta hold my head up HIGH. I have no shame. I like gross food. Like this superbowl treat, Hormel and Velveeta. Hell yeah. This dip is like the trademark of Midwestern/Southern women, who are not really known for their cooking skills. Except for Paula Deen. I love that bitch. Yeah, so I might succumb one day to this craving and actually make it...but for now, I will daydream of being 11 years old and stuffing my face with this shit.




My mom will hang her head in shame for this post. I mean, after all, the woman worked hard to make me an educated foodie, with preferences for fresh fruit, vegetables and low-fat foods. But you can't keep me down from my fatty, sugary, salty foods. I am going to die of a heart attack and diabetes by age 21. Oh well.


-miss fatties mcpepper